The Magic Spoon

tilting at windmills and playing with fire

Archive for the ‘fiction’ Category

Microfiction – Visionary

Wednesday, November 18th, 2009

Desire is a strange thing. Time can sharpen, dull, and twist desire, but want never dies. In three millenia of life, this is the only lesson Lucky Welles has ever learned.

Euphemia Horbruth is grand, imposing, out-sized. Her favorite niece has always, she thinks, been the contrast to her – small somehow, retiring, a pretty wallflower with a pretty smile. “But,” she’ll say to her ex-husbands, “There’s a tart in there somewhere, mark my words. I just hope it’s her husband that finds it.”

Microfiction – Fractured

Wednesday, November 18th, 2009

Clock lives inside his Engine. His Engine lives inside a large warehouse with thick stone walls, but Clock doesn’t live in the warehouse. He sleeps under the timekeeper and he reads the morning paper under the database wheels, and he sometimes lays across a board set over the large system of pedals that control various functions and systems, and sketches a woman with charcoal pencils on scrap paper. The woman is always the same woman, though she looks different every time. He does nothing with these sketches except to fold them carefully, and hide them in his Engine’s heart.

Payne loves needles more than anything else. The pinch, the pain, the blood. It clears her head, and it makes the world separate for a moment into neat little slivers. And she likes it that way. People, people who would be better off not speculating, like to say she loves drugs and tattoos and pain. But she wouldn’t notice any of that, if they weren’t all delivered on the cold, uncaring, perfect promise of a needle.

Sam is in a punk band.  It’s called Dead Kitties, and the one before that was called Armistice.  He’s the bassist for Dead Kitties, and he writes all the songs.  Nobody knows that though, because he’s the sort of bassist that stands at the back of the stage and watches their singer Lab Rat get all the free drinks and their guitarist Davey – even though he’s Welsh – get all the girls.  But it’s copacetic, because after the show Nika’ll probably launch herself at him and scream “YOU WERE SO AWESOME!” into his ear.

Salt

Wednesday, November 18th, 2009

When the first wave came, we were ready.  We had anti-radiation agent, and we holed up in the basement.  We  weren’t worried at all.  The government would come through soon with scan-raids and life would get back to normal, like it always did.  Only this time, the trucks didn’t come.

We ate the animals  first, after the stores were emptied.  A few people were crushed in panic or killed in the night.  Them next.  We joked about it.   ”You can get anything down,” we said “with enough salt.”

We started a lottery last week.  In the corner my three year old is crouching over a spilled cabinet, eating salt.

Perfume

Wednesday, November 18th, 2009

“You smell like…”  his nose was pressed into the crease where her hip met thigh, and she bit her lip – hard – to stifle a giggle.  It tickled.
“I smell like yer mama’s perfume.”  Her voice was harsh with stolen cigarettes, but he looked up with awe and thought it beautiful.  ”You didn’t!”  But he took a long whiff and there it was, that cloying scent of orchids and baby powder.  He looked over at the dresser where the bottle sat – not as dusty as it usually was.  The sheer insanity of the day made him want to….
“I did.  And y’know what else?”  Her hand edged down, lifting up her shirt for him to see.  And he didn’t know who would have done it, there was no way she looked eighteen.
“You didn’t”  he breathed, though the proof winked at him from her tummy-button, garish and gold and glittering.  She smiled at him, licking off a little of her bright pick lipstick.
“I did.  Can we do it now?”

Lowri

Wednesday, November 18th, 2009

Lowri ran in the hills and killed sheep and ate them for her breakfast.  According to Dafydd, his sister had bested pirates on the shore, bandits on the road, and robbers at the hearth.  She’d run to the Gower and back, she’d swum in the ocean and scorned the tides, she’d caught a mermaid by the tail and lived to tell.

Many of the villagers laughed at the boy’s stories, but young Dafydd knew that even if they weren’t exactly factual, they were still a perfect reflection of the reality he alone knew:  that Lowri was beautiful and fierce, and would someday have the world in her pocket.

Romance in Three Acts

Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
Jack and Ben: PUNK ROCK LOVE

By the by? This is so ridiculously full of symbolism and allegory and trope and oh my god, all that good stuff that if I even tried to annotate it, the annotations would be tem times as long as the story. If there’s anything that catches your eye and you either want to squee at me or ask what it’s referring to, please comment! I’d like to know that someone got at least some of this.

Thanks!

Prologue
Jack and Ben have three acts in their repertoire.   While crowd work can be informal, ring shows take more time, more planning, more rehearsal.   Their three acts leave room for variety, but follow a script.   Their three acts are very successful, and in some ways notorious, at least among the other circus folk.  They are  ’theharliquinade’, ‘the inamorata’ and the, ‘death takes the maiden’.

The Harliquinade is their standard: good for family shows, and only requiring a tiny twist to make it great for post-show crowd work.  Just a bit of bawdy talk, and they eat it up.  With a bit work it’s even good for the Midnight tent.  It’s the one they do the most often, the one they always default to.

‘The Inamorata’ is the same – though it takes a bit more bawd to make it work after the sun does down.  But it’s stellar for kid-heavy shows, and the parents love it. It takes a while for them to get comfortable with this one – it takes a bit more rapport – but once they do, it becomes a standard.

‘Death takes the maiden’ is only done in the midnight tent.  It’s their favourite, but the hardest and without a doubt the most exhausting.  however, it is without a doubt the mostpupular of thier ‘R rated’ acts.  It’s the one that takes the more care and planning, but the real it always brings the house down when the planets are aligned.

Harliquinade
The harliquinade starts out with a hackneyed fiddle, and usually they come on just as Paz is heading off, tossing his loathsome kisses to the crowd, and at night shows topping it off with a knowing wink.  the crowd always catches the wink, whether they can see his face or not.
And the fiddle is just like the twisted creep-of-all-trades: it capers but never saunters, and it struts but never dashingly, always with that scrape of the foot and unwholesome leer.

Jack and Ben come out with their strut on, though, and the audience laughs with a slice of relief in it, at sing two suck pretty, healthy young ones in the ring.  They play to the crowd’s pleasure: he bowing with a flourish, she tossing generous kisses to the crowd, bobbing curtsies like some maid in a British drama.   jack will take a pratfall, and Ben spins about madly, does a pirouette, sometimes tossing flowers and sometimes candy, making the crowd love her with her love of the crowd.   Meanwhile his pratfalls entertain, and the crowd laughs and claps at seeing hisgangly body exaggerate the awkwardness of adolescence, that horrified graceless tripping.  it’s a story they all know, or will someday.  the music gets a bit richer now, other instruments joining in the dance.  athunkering bass, perhaps, and a wild-rambling horn.  woodwinds only fill out the pastoral comedy, painting in the requisite hills and trees and sheep, perhaps.  If there is a flute, so much the better.  it provides Ben’s cue the same way the fiddle gives Jack’s:  it lets her twirl and leap and pair cartwheels to his somersaults, and meanwhile he follows her, catching vainly at her skirt-strings.  the crowd laughs, each time she dart away, just out of his reach.  sometimes they find acha-cha that works, and Jack’s so pleased with this he’s willing to practice twice as long, and get twice as close.

the music’s’ faster now, getting into the swing of things, and it reminds Jack and Ben to get down to the business they came out for.  Finally, the juggling gear comes out.  The crowd murmurs, and Jack and Ben don’t disappoint them.  They start off with something simple, something easy.  Maybe switching from two-man to solo, maybe circling around one another, maybe just a bit of high-tossing.  But it’s strait-up easy stuff, stuff they can’t mess up, nothing flashy.  the flash comes later, when they start getting bold.  he chases her, she runs; and this means spinning for her, back-tossing for him, and constant movement.  This takes more rehearsal that the fancy juggling: developing a radar for one another.  Tracking each other’s movements, knowing not only where your partner stands in space now, but where she will in two seconds, five seconds, at the end of the toss.  Counting steps and working out the degrees of turns, so that a hand will be where it needs to to catch the ring, just as the ring comes down.  Too fast and you miss it, too slow and you have to reach.  And there’s always the danger of overcompensation:  adjusting too much and getting thrown off the rhythm.    Still, most of the time they doallright with this, though it’s slow going.  Ben can’t read him like she can others, and he doesn’t like paying that much attention to her.  Tossing-wise, they match up wonderfully.  both of them are very good, and they juggle together well.  It’s that constant awareness of one another they lack, and this is what makes theHarliquinade so difficult:  it is a dance, albeit a simple one.  He pursues her, she eludes him, rinse and repeat.  Movement is essential to the plot, and the only music thatCaiden (or Paz ) lets them use is the sort that won’t let them stand still.  His choices are the most urgent, they push the dance along, making it almost frenetic, desperate.

Finally, the harliquinade comes to a close.  There’s a bit more tumbling and showing off here, and so the juggling is a bit simpler.  Still, it’s all good stock stuff that works well, because it looks a lot harder or fancier than it is.    Sometimes they even work in a bit of stage-fighting, slaps and light spankings and such, which they’re told is the ‘punch andjudy bit’.  Ben likes it, it makes her think of Bertha’s puppets.  And then there’s the grand finale: the two circling one another, and their best throws.  This is the part they never vary:  it would be a mistake to juggle (ha!) too many element now.  the moving and the juggling is hard enough, but the crowd reaction is worth it.  they scream, they cheer, and there are usually a few impressiveyoutube videos uploaded the next day.  Finally go the highest tosses of all, and Jack catches the clubs as he dashes forward, also catching Ben about the waist.  the crowd goes wild: he’s finally caught her!  he drags her off, sometimes even tosses her over his shoulder, and she tosses a last few kisses to the crowd.  for the elaborate way they come on, their exist it simple and spare: the crowd doesn’t need to be told what happens next.  Jack jogs out of the ring with Ben in tow, and sets her down immediately.  They’re both breathless, though, and usually they can’t stop laughing.

Inamorata
the second act isn’t ready for a bit.  this isn’t because it’s harder: it’s the easiest of all their acts by far.  They both know how it goes, the juggling is simple and fun, and the tropes and stock gestures (lazzi, Pazlo corrects them, repeatedly) are so old and timeworn and well-known that they don’t take much rehearsal.  It takes longer because it takes a lot of flirting, and that’s hard to pretend right away.  By the time they’re ready to bring this one out, they don’t have to pretend. The first time they do this one, it’s to T Rex’s ‘Bang a Gong, Get it On’.  It didn’t go over terribly well with the old folks in the crowd, but anyone under sixty liked it.  Usually, though,they use calmer music, but ‘something with a shimmy’.  Those are Ben’s words, and she demonstrates what she means with a little hip-wiggle that makes everyone laugh.  All but Jack, of course, who pulls hishoodie down over his face to hide it.   Oldies work best for them, tunes they both grew up dancing to on the radio and both know by heart.  Roy Orbison, theSupremes, a  bit of Doo-Wop, maybe a  bit of Elvis when they’re in the southern states.  Ben goes weak for Elvis Presley, Jack prefers Costello.

The Inamorata is an old story, but it’s been given a facelift.  Oh, sure.  Sometimes they rock it old school:  Jack comes out in a old Regimental uniform, and Ben looks like a ballerina with whitefloofy skirt and pink top, and sometimes even a tiara.  Usually, though, his captain’s jacket is over-sized and unbuttoned, and her ballerina skirt is pink and black.  Always longer, though: she’s no schoolgirl, no nymphet, at least not in this story.  Never with Jack.   Sometimes he’s a greaser and she’s in bobby socks, sometimes they do Victorian thing, in big cities, sometimes, he’s Sid and she’s Nancy, toned down a bit of course   The story is always the same, though.  Love, love love!   Usually when they do the 50s costumes, they use early Beatles, or theMonkees .  Ben loves to perform Inamorata, and she likes to use different costumes every time.  Jack doesn’t tend to care much about the costumes, he’ll wear anything as long as he gets to choreograph.  And this is where he shines:  every week there are new pratfalls, new jokes, and new dance steps.  Every week there’s a new way for them to play out this old story and give it new life – it never gets old.  Not for them.

He comes out with a grin and  a whoop, holding his juggling clubs high as he lopes out into the center of the ring.    The first two minutes of this act are solo.   He starts right away: no preamble.  There’s no girl yet, and thus, no story.  Jack displays his  best juggling during this segment, but it’s never the part the audience remembers. He stands in place, stationary and solid, totally in control.  His skill is astonishing, the audience is captivated.  Such grace, such skill!  Then the unthinkable happens:  he drops.  The audience gasps, some to of them tittering nervously.  Of course no-one really blames a juggler for dropping, even if they all expect their money to buy them one that doesn’t.  Ah, but the plot thickens!  It becomes quickly obvious that the greaser, the soldier, the young man’s mistake wasn’t exactly his fault.

Ben is standing there, having come on quietly, and smiles at the audience with a cheeky raised eyebrow.  She indicates surprise and scorn at her partner’s pratfall, as Jack abashedly picks up his clubs and stands aside.  And everyone laughs:  it’s the oldest story in the book!  He saw a pretty girl, and ‘dropped the ball’.  Some men in the audience make this pun to their spouse, and get an elbow in the ribs as thanks.  Some of the single girls make the same observation to their commitment-shy beaux , and get a glare.  The music picks up, swinging into the real fun, and the dance starts again.  This is a much simpler dance, and the steps don’t really matter much.  Ben grins and flirts, and Jack chases after her.   She spins circles around him, and he stands befuddles, his hands fumbling for the clubs and his rhythm thrown all off kilter.  Of course his scrambling is just for show and he never actually drops, but it’s real enough that the audience is convinced:  he’s smitten.
They change parts.  He juggles around her, and she spins faster and faster until she finally topples over.  Sometimes her pratfall makes her skirt fly up, revealing white underpants with a big read heart on the bum.  This is Bennet’s favourite thing to do:  she loves the scandalised, delighted reaction it gets.  Sometimes he ties a scarf or ribbon around her waist, and she juggles as he pulls her around by it, yanking her this way and that, seemingly with no rhyme or reason.  Sometimes Ben flirts with the audience, flipping her skirt and giving broad wings.  Jack makes a a big show of  getting huffy., and tying her up and pulling her away from the object of her attention.   There are a hundred things they do, and they switch back and forth, over and over:  she distracting him, he tying her up in knots, she pulling him this way and that, he shaking his fist at anyone she blows a kiss to.  The audience laughs, watching their antics with the superiority of those who, they’re sure, would never let love make them such fools.  Or perhaps they know better, and that makes them laugh more.

Finally, the finale.  This is when the music gets faster, when the guy gets the girl.  Sometimes, they end with the same finale as the Harliquinade :  circling about one another, until finally Jack tosses Ben over his shoulders and runs off with her.  Usually, later at night and for shorter acts, this is how it goes.  More often they adapt this idea with a long length of cloth between them, tying them both together.  The lovers swoon and frolic, all the while connected at the waist, joined at the hip.  Even if they pantomime some quarrel, they can’t separate.  They try to pull away for a while, comically, all the while tossing endless things between them.  Ben and Jack like to go wild with props for the finale, mimicking quarrels by throwing blades or axes, and passion by tossing fire.  Doing it while tied together is even more challenging, though somehow they never get tired of rehearsing this part.  The juggling gets more and more impressive, and they walk closer and closer together.  Soon the objects fly so fast the audience can hardly follow them, and they’re so close there’s almost no room at all to throw.  The audience moans: how do they keep it up?  The lean forward in expectation, as the Inamorata keep them on the edge of their seats.  Yet all stories must come at last to the Happily Ever After, and with a grand flourish, all the objects in the air are caught suddenly, tucked fast away for the Big Kiss.  Sometimes, as a variation, they simply let everything fall, and end in the kiss with the audience laughing at the scattered clubs and rings all around them.  Either way the kiss is the big clincher, and it’s got to be good.  For day shows, they keep this decent.  In the midnight tent, there’s a little less need to keep things tame: sometimes Jack, or Ben, or both of them forget it’s an act for a second or two.

They bow as one and leave the ring beaming, holding hands.

Death Takes the Maiden (or, the Danse Macabre)
Of all the acts they have, Death Takes the Maiden is the one they can never agree upon the music for.  Then again, there are plenty things they don’t agree on, lately.  The  name is another:  Jack wants to call it ‘danse macabre’, but Ben argues that her name is actually older and therefore, ‘old school’.  Jack is forced every time, (begrudging), to agree.  This act can only be done in the Midnight tent, but it gets the biggest response.  it’s the hardest, and that’s attractive to both of them.  And it lets them push the limits – get into some really dangerous juggling, as well as some pretty crazy acting.  They both love it, and it’s one of the things that will bring them together, over and over and over again.  But they can never agree on the music.   Jack likes to go classic: morbid, minor-key classical pieces, Litz and Beethoven and of course,  Danse Macabre by Camille Saint-Saëns.  Bennet likes those, but she wants to branch out.  Just once, she doesn’t want to kick it old school.  She tends to pull out Echo and the Bunnymen, Iggy Pop, the Wedding Present, and once in a while, even Nick Cave.  She puts song after song onto cds she burns for him, grumbling that an ipod would be easier but glad that at least she doesn’t have to make cassette tapes.  They get into fights over the music sometimes, even though both of them get their way about half the time.  Sometimes these fights and in tears and an off-again period, more often they end up in both of them tearful and naked and exhausted, with red eyes and red welts.  Whatever they use, it’s usually some murder ballad or tale of dark, obsessive love, and it’s always almost painfully intense.

Just as Inamorata lets Jack show off, Death Takes the Maiden is Bennet’s chance to shine.  She begins solo: already standing in a bright spot that blinks open out of a solid dark centre ring to display a silent and preserved tableau: a girl, in the centre, delicate and alone.  Ben’s silent just after the spot comes on with a rusty clacking, completely still and so painted and perfect that she seems like some doll or marionette, the ballerina in the music box.  Sometimes,Bennet plays with this by painting stitches or joints onto herself, or moving in exaggerated clockwork jerks at first.  She sometimes dreams of acting out this story as a robot, but Jack always points out that the audience wouldn’t even understand.  And she’s better as a girl anyway;  no matter how still she keeps, the flash of her throat as she breathes and the blushing of her cheeks always gives her away.  She wears the simplest costume for this act:  usually just her white ballerina skirt and some simple top that offers up her shape while still conveying purity, delicacy.  Her hair is tied up into a messy bun with tendrils escaping, or sometimes stuffed up under a ‘snow white’ wig.  Some nights she wears a wreath of flowers, or a single  bloom (red or white) pinned just behind one ear.   She found a Victorian camisole in a thrift shop, that’s become her favourite.  She likes the way the delicate buttons thwart Jack’s greedy fingers, after the act, and he likes to threaten to tear it off.  He hasn’t, yet.   No matter what costume Ben wears, she always wears the same shoes:  a brilliant, bloody red pair of ballet flats, with ribbons that criss-cross up her calves and tie just under the knee.  Jack loves them.  He loves the way they show of her legs, he loves the colour of them, he loves pushing her down into piles of straw and twining the long ribbons over and around her slender throat.  they make him think of snow white, and darker things.  she plays him the Kate Bush album, he reads her the Hans Christian Andersen story, and she suppresses a thrilled shudder at the gory bits.  they both know by now that loving is sinning, and that even the eventual price doesn’t dim the pleasure of it.  Not for them.

The music starts slowly.  after the spot, after the audience gasps at the beautiful maiden.,  she begins to toss.  It’s graceful at first, and this is where she shows all of her best tricks.  Under and over and around, and sometimes she changes this part up a bit and does poi instead.  The audience never minds, they’re too enamoured of the ballerina in the spotlight to care what she’s doing as long as it’s fancy.  The music deepens – sometimes violins, and sometimes wailing electric guitar adding the creeping fear to the pantomime.  It creeps over the audience slowly, and they wonder why until they see the figure in black skulking just at the edge of the light.  It takes a while for everyone in the stands to catch on.  People nudge one another, pointing out the hook-nosed or skull-masked figure that circles the juggling ballerina, darting in and out of the shadows as she goes on, unawares.  This is the only time that Jack really gets into the costumes.  He likes his skull-mask best:  it’s old and yellowed and terrifying, and no-one’s really been able to say for sure what it’s carved from.  He got it at a Dios De Los Muertos parade that he was too drunk to remember, and he feels stronger, better, more powerful when he puts it on.  He uses it to scare Ben, and though she screams and smacks him, there’s as much thrill as true fear in her cries.  Sometimes he paints his face like a skull, and sometimes he wears his Harlequin mask, not the domino mask but the real one: black, hook-nosed and leering.  once, he somehow put together a plague doctor costume, but the audience didn’t really get it – and anyhow, the robes weight down his arms too much.  And always his clothing is black black black, sometimes with a dash of shocking crimson catching the eye, like a blood-splatter in high contrast.  They’re always ragged, too, with ribbons or strips of cloth hanging down.  Sometimes, when he’s wearing a skull-face he performs in only black trousers and bloody bandages Ben wraps around his arms and chest.  Whatever he’s wearing it makes the audience shift uneasily, all of them crying out silently to the maiden:  turn around!  look behind you!  Don’t go up those stairs, don’t trip outside the light!  As if hearing them, she turns.

Jack joins in with her without a pause.  It has to be seamless, this part: any crack in the action ruins the whole thing.  Without missing a beat, they’re juggling together.  And unlike their other two acts, in this one they chase one another in equal parts.  He follows her, then turns away, and she pursues him, only to pantomime fear and skitter out of his reach.   He tosses to her, she tosses to him, and they’re perfect.  Perfectly on-key, perfectly matched, their hands fly through the air and the knives (he likes knives for this, it seems to fit) flash brilliantly in the stoplight and twirl so fast that it seems they should both be in ribbons, but they’re not.  Everything happens in perfect timing, like clockwork, and this is when they both hit the ‘zone’.  No matter what they do in third segment of this act, it’s beautiful.   He improvises, she follows perfectly.  She adds in a bit of tumbling, he adapts without missing a beat.  Sometimes they sing the words for this act, even though in the others they’d only lip-sync – some songs they’re screaming the words at one another with passion that makes the audience squirm, and still, the juggling never falters once.  They pull apart and push together like taffy, coming close then far, she ducking under him and he leaping over her, both of them making complicated heys, promenades, pousettes , figure-eights and mad robins around one another.  Sometimes, just like in the Inamorata, he uses a crimson length of silk to bind them together.   The audience gasps.  It’s a show of amazing beauty and subtlety, the choreography always changing but always perfect.

The finale of Death Takes the Maiden is short  but  powerful:  it takes less than a minute.  If Jack has been tying Ben up with his red ribbon, this is when he pulls her inexorably in.  If he’s simply been chasing her, this is when he catches her.  It’s a little different each time; there are so many ways to end this story, and all of them are real show-stoppers.  Sometimes Jack leaps upon Ben in a frenzy, her glittery rings falling as her body falls to his fury and the blunted ax in his fist.   Sometimes he creeps up as quiet as a lover, holding one of the knives to her throat, mimicking the slice.  She gasps, a crumpled square of silk blooming from the hand that rises to her throat, fluttering softly to the ground as she crumples like a blossom.  sometimes she comes to him, and all of the balls he’s been tossing are hidden away – and so is she, when he folds her up into his cloak.  Sometimes they pantomime her begging him,tearful.  Sometimes he strangles her.  Sometimes, sometimes he mimics fucking her as he kills her.  He never planned out that part, it just happened one night.  They never agree beforehand to do it, and no-one ever mentions it afterward.

However Death takes the Maiden, the Danse Macabre always, always ends exactly as it began: in a stark tableau.  As the maiden stills and the flower falls, all other lights go out but that one staring spotlight.  There’s a kiss:  Jack’s painted lips (or, sometimes, the cold musty teeth of his mask) press to the still-blushing lips of the maiden, ‘to part with breath nevermore’.  Ben never kisses back, though sometimes she shivers.   Freeze.   The audience stares, and there’s never a sound in the tent as the spotlight reveals this picture, all colours washed out but white, black and red.  Some of them look away, without knowing why.  The spotlight goes out on this tableau with a hollow, final sound, leaving the tent in darkness.

It’s only then that they cheer, and it’s then they cheer the loudest.

Epilogue
Of course the curtain never really falls, does it?  The show must go on, as all players know, and night after night Ben and Jack rise again to act out their three acts for a captivated audience.  There will never really be a happy ending, not really: this show never really ends.

Phantasmagoria

Wednesday, November 18th, 2009

“So what’s this shit do?”

“That just makes ya feel all…all gooey. S’nice.”

“And this shit here?”

The darker stuff? That’s the good shit. Like rambo-speed only no crash, s’great.”

“What makes it darker?”

“Fuck should I know? S’got somehtin’ on it. Think it might be the beetles. I always see ‘em on it…”

“Betcha it’s beetle piss.”

“Fuck you.”

“Well, what’s with the beetles, then?”

“Dunno.”

“Eat one.”

“Fuck you.”

“…dare ya.”

That’s how it all started, anyhow. Payne had woken slow and easy, wiggling her toes off the edge of the hammock she shared with Clay. Then there had been that walk to the bathing pool, and Rook had been there, and his body against her – and yes, the simplicity of it all – had left her feeling warm and strangely content, and they’d lay together with the air wafting over them, still and sated with slow touches and quiet words. She’d felt strange after a while though, awkward; that gentle comfort was nice enough, but unfamiliar. Thoughts pushed at the edges of her mind, urging her to consider, but she steadfastly pushed them off. She’d wanted to do it, what else was there? She’d gone off, explored, and found Rook again to present him proudly with a pair of boots so that he could go off and do…whatever it was he’d gone off to do. She hadn’t really paid attention. And then Clay had come around, with his easy grin and his hair flopping over his eyes, making warmth bloom in her chest, and over their usual game of mancala (he’d stopped protesting so much by now) they quietly discussed their various efforts: his sling and stones, her atlatl and spears, and her exploration of the strange lichen that grew over the tree roots they sat on. She’d listened the the forest making it’s daytime sounds, wondering what it would say, if it could spea. She watched Clay’s dirty hand drop tiny pebbles into depressions in the dirt. She’d thought about eating the beetles, really, something she’d heard on television about how they were good for you, but it took his dare and his shit-eating grin to make her pluck one up, a little green one, and watch its little legs flailing for a moment before crushing it between her teeth, fighting down bile at the strange, sweet-and-sour taste.

“There, ya happy?”

After that it had all gotten a bit strange. Not at first, although after a few minutes she opened her mouth to ask Clay where he’d learned to sing Opera. Didn’t seem like him, really – though she liked the sound of his singing – but opera? Didn’t you need a faggy white shirt for that? She waited for his reply, getting distracted by watching his hand drop the pebbles into his mancala, and her own hand reached out to pluck up her own pile, dropping them into the little holes, one by one by one. One by one by one, two by two, creatures in the ark, starting a new world, dove and raven sent out to bring back messages. One of them hadn’t ever come back, she remembered. Which one? It seemed, for some reason, terribly important. She asked Clay about it, and nodded at his answer, forgetting it instantly. She could count on him to remember his Bible. That was a relief. All the other animals got to stay warm and safe on the boat, she decided – it was the dove and raven that had been the read badasses, going off and never knowing if they’d find land. Couldn’t blame the one for fucking off. Her mind informed her in a dry tone that she was experiencing chemical intoxication; she waved it off impatiently.

She dropped the pebbles in, listening to the tiny clicks as they fell one against the other, nestling all together like…well she’d never known anything to nestle together like those pebbles did, but it seemed like an awfully nice idea. Her mind went back to those raves she’d snuck into, those insane conflusions of music and drugs and sex and noise and chaos, and she remembered the come-down, the fights, but mostly the passing out in exhausted piles, in hallways or coat rooms or wherever they happened to drop, sweaty and spent. Limbs tangled, skin. Nice thought. She looked up to Clay to ask if he remembered the time at that condemned warehouse, and wasn’t that a crazy night? But she couldn’t find his face in her memory, and it distressed her. Her fingers plucked up another pebble, dropping it in, and she remembered Clay then. He’d been snuggled up against her back, his hands wound around her, moving over her chest, and he’d been saying to her “Whatever this shit is, it was worth it.” and he’d been singing “Lavender blue, dilly dilly” and he’d been saying “Girl, you remind me of my sister” and he’d been saying “Go to sleep, stupid” and he’d been saying “Not here, people will see” and he’d been saying something else, something about the hammock, which didn’t really make sense when you were busy passing out on a coat room floor, but she wasn’t bothered because his hands on her tits and cock nestled snugly against her ass were nice, and the coat pillowing her head smelled like Marlboros and Helena and Rowan were talking in hushed tones somewhere near, and it had been nice to fall asleep like that. Really nice. She told Clay so, giving him a little smile before catching sight of the thread tied to her fingers.

It was beautiful, really beautiful. It was tied around her wrist, a pretty yellow colour, like the baby-bonnet her dad had gotten her when she was small, that she wore in all her baby pictures (there you are, that was at Coney Island… he said, his fingers nicotine-stained, smudging the polaroid) and her mind edged away from that, because it hurt, and concentrated on the thread. Little drops of water glimmered on it, like dew on a spider’s web, and it stretched across the mancala game laid out below their hands and tied to Clay’s wrist, still glimmering like the rides at Coney Island. She laughed then, pointing it out to him. Look, we’re tied together. Look, look! Between you and I. Tied, connected. Bound. Should have bothered her. Didn’t like being tied to anyone or anything, didn’t like that. Unable to move, unable to choose…but it was so pretty! She told him so, that she usually didn’t like being tied, but it was pretty. And it’s you, Clay. It’s okay if it’s you. She remembered a joke, from some smokey stand-up club in Brooklyn, about needing a man who could tie a girl up without tying her down. Clay didn’t tie her down. He never told her no, or do this, run that, take the call and fix up the getaway car. Never pushed her into a corner, never cornered her, never pressed down atop her, or hurt her, unless she wanted him to. Unless she liked it. And he always knew. Always knew when she wanted weight on her, and never asked why. Ah, she explained, turning her wrist this way and that so that the dewdrops glimmered in the light, like the rides at Coney Island. The thread, that’s how you always know. It was so obvious, she laughed that she hadn’t thought of it right away. Her hand scratched at the scab on her belly, and she laughed again. That too, she said. Even that. And she laughed again, because it had been so easy. All those random, dirty fucks, all that angst, those late-night calls and swallowing down the disgust, all those nights trying not to look at the face above or under or behind her, all that feeling trapped and drinking to the bottom of the bottle just so that the reek of vodka on her could provide a one-night pass to get out of thinking, deciding. And all the time, she laughed, all she’d needed was a yellow thread that sparkled in the sun.

She pulled her arm away, trying to test if the thread would stretch. It did. She laughed again, low and dark, because this meant she could go wherever she wanted, as far away as she wanted, and it would still hold. Should bother her, something like that not breaking. She wondered again why it didn’t. Should bother her. She let it go. Didn’t matter, because she could feel the air lapping at her arm as it swung through the air, even though it was still tossing stones into the mancala holes, one by one by one by one. The air was cool, cool and wet somehow, and she could feel her arm move through it with a bit of resistance, like drawing her arm through the water. Exactly like that. Like the water in Yubolev’s pool when she was little, in her bright yellow bikini, with Uncle Matvey standing there, both of them there with their beers and their cigars, talking about the Motherland, talking about Women, talking about Business. The bottom had been done all in brilliant blue tiling, pretty enough to lick like candy, and it stretched and changed as her arm rippled the water, just the way the air was stretching and changing now. All pools, she’d decided, ought to be bright blue, like that. Made the water more blue, made it look like a postcard. “Pretty lookin’ girl.” said the air, and Matvey looked a bit angry about that, scowling into his beer. She looked up to tell him not to be mad, to show him how the drops fell from her hand, how they sparkled in the sun like tiny gems, exactly like the gems around Yubolev’s mistress as she came out to give the men another beer. She was bottle-blonde and her looks were going, and she looked at Payne with bitterness and jealousy and resentment in her eyes, and Ulya had hated her. Hated her and pitied her, because the stupid bitch was old and her looks were going, and Ulya was young and beautiful and she would never, ever die. And the water fell from her hand, and her bright yellow bikini was the prettiest one from the store, just like Miss May had in her dad’s girlie calender, the one he never bothered to replace, which was why she’d wanted it. She wanted to be just like Miss May: confident and beautiful, dark eyes bold and daring, sunning herself on the rocks of some faraway beach without a care in the world. And she blinked, and the air closed around her just like the water of Yubolev’s pool when she’d dived in, forcing her eyes open to see the world underneath the skin of the water. It stung her eyes, but she didn’t mind that. It was all different, underneath the skin.

Under the skin, Payne forced her eyes open again and saw that her knuckles were white, clutched around the mancala pebbles. They complained at her, whimpering that she was holding them too tight, so she let them go, and they pattered down and nestled together contentedly. She envied them. Under the skin, the strange distortion was gone, but the air pressed in on her like water, and she felt a memory slip away. For a moment her hand grasped at it as tightly as she had the tiny stones: water, diving, brilliant blue tiles, there was something important there, but she let it fall away. The mancala stones didn’t like being held too tight, she realised, and memories were the same way. With a soft sigh she let the polaroids of the past slip back under the bed and forgot them, just as she’d lost and forgotten the thin, haphazard scrapbook that held the only proof that she had ever been young.

It was more interesting, anyway, to pay attention to the secrets flickering through the air, and to breathe in the strange new air that pushed into her lungs beneath the skin. She wondered if the world was just like a body, if under the skin there was blood, if it would spill through if you just knew where to make the cut. Skin was just a barrier, after all, there had to be something on both sides. She looked this way and that, and again her mind chimed in that this was just the result of chemicals in her mind that skewed her perception by manipulating her neurotransmitters. It provided corollaries to sex and exercise and trauma, it told her that she’d done acid before, reminded her that she’d been unimpressed. She wiggled her fingers, and her mind reminded her that none of this was real, that it was just Science, just chemicals. The needle goes in, the drug travels to the brain, chemicals release, the world changes. That sounded sensible. She turned her head, and the air whispered into her ear that even chemicals were not outside the reach of revelation, that nothing was. She blinked, staggered. Nothing? The air whuffed against her back, her arms, her cheeks, and she saw words written into the bark of the trees. It said that her mind was a machine, yes, but an organic one, and all the chemicals inside her were part of the same mathematics that governed storms, tides, bacteria, the birth and death of stars. It said you’ve always known this, really. You’ve always known that the needle loved you, always known that chemicals were just an excuse. But the beetle… the beetle was….it changed me, she argued. It’s just a drug, it made me see things that aren’t real. And a hand came out of the sky and pressed her down, down into the soil until there were leaves in her mouth, and it shouted, is the beetle real? Did you feel it crush between your teeth? Is your brain real? Are your neurotransmitters real? What part of this isn’t real, what part of it isn’t just another vector in the field? And she ran the numbers over and over, and she could not find the part that wasn’t real. And the beetles themselves came and whispered in her ears, and they said: we live,we die, we shit, we mate, we kill: the laws of this world govern us just as they do you. And her hands drew over her face, and her tongue worked against that sweet-sour taste in her mouth, and she felt her lungs work steadily, in and out, breathing in the air. But the air was filled with numbers and lines and equations, and the diagrams of interconnectedness were crowding it, and as her lungs filled with the air all of it drew into her lungs as well. She could feel graphs and charts and venn diagrams pushing into her lungs, she could feel it filling her like smoke, but this wasn’t weed and she couldn’t hold it in, she could only breathe in and out, feeling the mechanics of her body work as steadily and surely as the mechanics of everything under the skin. The world was a bigger machine than she’d ever conceived, and under the skin she could see its engine, organs pulsing and working, pistons moving in a rhythm that she almost knew, and nerves stretching out like powerlines in every direction, buzzing with heat and life and information, and she saw the engine turn over, purr and it made her smile, and blood, so much, oh god, so much blood, washing over her like a tide. It was red on her hands, red and sticky and again, again, again she drew her hands over her face, feeling the blood of the world glue her eyes tightly shut. She couldn’t keep it out of her lungs, though, or ignore the heartbeat. She tried to let her mind slide away from that heartbeat the same way she had from her past, but it was all around her, enveloping her, she was close and wet and pressed into the centre of it. This is my song, said the world. Listen, and remember. Payne choked, she could still feel more and more numbers filling her lungs, only now they were vines, and the earth was drawing her in and making her its creature. And still that heartbeat, that heavy, dragging thump with as much weight as a body dragged up the stairs, with that same drunken sway as car tyres rolling over a body, and she screamed, because that thought hurt, but the heartbeat wrapped all around her and rocked her, the blood pressed in upon her and said that world you remember is dead, all dead. I’m alive. And she gulped and knew that it was true: the evidence was around her and inside her, pressing in with an insistence she couldn’t ever say no to. And the beetles touched her ears with their tiny tongues and said it’s allright, it was hard for us at first, too. And the trees chimed in, and she pressed her hands to her ears, because she wanted to hear the heartbeat, wanted to hear the clack of the pistons and feel the engine humming under her. And for a second it quieted down, and she lay there under the skin, listening to the song of the world and she wondered if she could dance to it. Didn’t last long, the trees were murmuring again, and the hills, and the dirt, and the animals, she wanted to laugh, because they all crowded around her, the new visitor, and wouldn’t give her any room! And she wondered suddenly if she had more threads tied to her, going off to Helena and Thorne and the others and even the beast she’d killed, and then with a rusty grating breath she could hear it, too, adding its voice to the cacophony that rang in her head. But you’re dead, she protested , and got a dry sort of feeling back. You think that matters to me? And she wanted it to be quiet, she wanted them all to be quiet, but there were louder voices now, the sea and the plains and the rain and the stream and they all had things to say, and they all wanted to explain things to her, and it was too loud and she cried out it hurts, it hurts! And the song said to her yes, of course it does. You always knew that. You love the pain, you know you do. Don’t be such a pussy about it now. And for a while that was alright, she took the pain and let it roll through her, lift her up, like she always did. But, no, something was wrong, she couldn’t breathe and it was too much, pain was one thing but this was more, this was death, this…I can’t stay under the skin, she cried! Yes, stay, the beetles whispered to her, and she wanted to, she wanted to, but she was dying and she finally opened up her mouth, and she listened to her own voice join the cacophony: her screams went on and on until she had no more breath.

Too Much

Wednesday, November 18th, 2009

Too Much is a little piece I wrote about Moll and Theo, two characters from The Victorious, one of the settings on Clockwork Lullabye.  Is flowed out of my easy and sweet, and I’m a bit fond of it.  As it’s filed under ‘erotic fiction’, I expect anyone who oughtn’t be reading it not to.

(more…)

….When clouds come twogether

Monday, November 16th, 2009

When clouds come twogether…
…in a symphonic sort of broo-hah-hah
and ie stand amaxed, thoughraly

watching, wah-cheeng
as they gl+eyed
a cross the mainstage uv
my vizun
and I oneder
if theh no
and if eye could sea
what they were dooihng
ware they ahr going

swoosh!
swish!

ahnd thi cloud-horses righd
and thi clowds scoot bie