the mortifying ordeal of being known, etc

I got shoved out of game design AMA

guess what sucks a lot? knowing I’ll end the new year without managing to resolve any of the tension that’s kept me so miserable,

o shit accepting that sometimes you just get fucked over and there’s nothing you can do, no fixing it. That’s hard, friends. Fucking hard.

I really have no idea. It sucks, cos I really want to offer a more positive message. But the way it looks right now, on the death of this year, is that I spent my time giving all that I had and more and more and more, reforming and building and feeling INTENSE HOPE and warmth! IT WAS GREAT

I was being crushed under just incredible stress and pressure and work, and neglecting myself in just awful ways, but at the same time I had a creative bloom like I hadn’t felt in years! I turned that into games, at least the beginnings of games, and really felt like I was Makin It

And then, somewhere through fall I just found myself abandoned & ill-used again and again by people and structures I’d trusted, and I couldn’t hop back up again. I was too weak. I failed. And I had nothing left, I’d spilt out every drop of myself. I’d become an object lesson.

I can go into a very thoughtful thread about how pushing creators out of spaces is bad because then we lose them and everything they could create and oftentimes already marginalised creators become even moreso and how much we lose

but honestly and selfishly it just sucks a lot for the person it happens to also cos I had this amazing place – that I worked to build! – to make so much cool shit and now it’s gone and the idea of sitting down to design a game, not even sharing it, MAKING it makes me feel anxious and shaky. the actual fuck? something I loved so much, for years, has AGAIN been taken away from me.

And realising that I’d spent all these years yelling about the consequences of othering and bullying and pushing folks out of the scene, only to find myself the exhibit and worse, unable to find my way out. I haven’t found yet how to turn this productive. Another failure.

I know I will, that’s what I do. Get all plucky and get myself up and keep creating. Turn shit into gold. Just, I’m so fucking tired. And so fucking sad. And I keep seeing the values I live for twisted into toxic shapes and used to hurt and denigrate and silence and shun, and it just sucks so bad.

I’ve asked those who know me best what I should do. What did I do wrong? How can I make this stop happening? How can I survive this? They all say the same thing: stop tolerating people and places who abuse you and take you for granted.

develop healthy boundaries and insist on good treatment? AS IF

I guess that’s it. This year sucked, I got fucked over by several people I trusted, I got shoved out of spaces I’d invested myself wholly into, and at the end of it I find I’m lacking the reserves to come back with my usual resiliency. I get anxiety for the first time ever. I got used up.

So I guess in a way, I can’t wait for it to be the new year. Maybe it’ll be better. Maybe all this shit will forge in me the strength to do better and do more and give more. Give me back my endless patience and generosity. More than anything, I want that. I need to give again.

Anyhow so that’s my big sad nonsense thing. Join me tomorrow for the advice my roomie gave me about Healing and Recovering Through Heel Turns. I’m not entirely sure I want to turn heel, but it would be cool to get a cool new heel theme and a leather jacket.

One thought on “the mortifying ordeal of being known, etc

  1. Having fallen behind on my blog reading, just saw this and I’m really sorry about your experience.

    However, I wanna add that no matter how many spaces you are excluded from, no one can kick you out of game design. I mean, I get that this post is really about that, it’s about venting your emotions after being betrayed by people you trusted and I support that… just don’t let assholes ruin the things that you love.

    Anyway, give me a shout over discord or twitter if you need to talk. I seen you doing that for a lot of other people out there so allow me to offer you the service in return!

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